Meditations for the Undetermined Time: While I Wait for Baby

I’m sitting in this intersection of life, looking for what’s next. I’ve accepted the unknown and the realization that this might be it. I may not have any more children. I must find contentment in having one … just as I managed to find contentment with the thought of having none not so long ago.

Here I am again waiting.

I will still feel longing and pray on the hard days when I’m tempted to fall into premature grief. I will hug my daughter and give her as much love as her little self can carry. I will impart the rest and spread it like seeds amongst my nieces, nephews and the honorary little ones I have been blessed to know.

I will smile and repeat as often as it takes, “God willing,” to pacify those who ask about the future plans of my womb.

I will laugh, smile, live life and find fullness even though at times I will feel that my arms could carry more … even just one more.

I’ll celebrate with joy when my friends and relatives conceive. Where I am able, I’ll be a helping hand, a mouth of wisdom and bringer of peace. I will not make their rejoicing the source of my sadness.

I will be thankful and not pine over the one thing that I don’t have. I will honor motherhood as it has honored me with responsibility, purpose and hope.

When I awaken from dreams of little feet running or smiling chubby cheeks, I won’t wallow.  

I will open my vision to a future that looks a bit different than what I had planned. I will be patient with life and I won’t doubt. I will trust in what I cannot see and surrender to what I cannot understand.

I will celebrate birthdays and holidays and cherish the moments I have with those I love. I will be sure to share my appreciation of those who love me truly.

I will busy my hands with making my home a happy place where people come to fellowship and spend time. I will cook family meals and welcome all who come. I will be the woman my daughter can tell stories about in her old age.

And through this act of patience and reflection, I will become wiser and readied for the mysterious path ahead. I will laugh at the future!

I will focus my energy on being well in mind, body and spirit. I will spend time on being my best self for the ones I share life with.

I will travel.

I will dream.

I will write.

I will plant myself where I am needed.

I will continue to grow.

And when the time comes … for whoever comes … if they come – I will open my heart to them. If not, I will continue on this road with thanksgiving, placing one foot in front of the other, while I wait.

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One Response to Meditations for the Undetermined Time: While I Wait for Baby

  1. Carol Kerber
    Carol Kerber September 13, 2019 at 5:30 pm #

    What a powerful pledge. I have a feeling that your daughter will be very proud of the example you are setting. You have to dig deep to not only realize all of the stages in life where the direction you choose to go in can impact your entire future but then to act on them in the way that takes you where you ultimately want to end up. The level of self-realization you’ve achieved is huge!